It’s been a while.  If you didn’t know already, I had a second miscarriage in August of 2010 at 12 weeks along (story of my first miscarriage  here and here…and here).  It was flabberghasting to imagine that such a thing could not only happen to me once, but twice.  The second miscarriage is a whole long story, but I’m not going to get into the details now.  I’ve had good days and bad days since the first and second miscarriage.  This summer I’ve had mostly good days, but lately for some reason I’ve had sad days.  This morning I was in tears hearing the song in church “all I know is we’re not home yet, this is not where I belong.  Take this world and give me Jesus”.  It made me think how there will be no more dying, or pain, or tears in heaven.  We will be reunited with loved ones lost.  I imagined holding my two precious babies that have gone straight to be with Jesus.  I guess it’s a joy to know that these two children have never and will never know the pain of this life, but rather skipped straight to heavenly perfection with God himself.  What a joyful life they must be experiencing.  My thoughts this morning were, “I MISS them”.  I just miss the child that I never got to hold.  How can you miss someone you never even knew?  Never even saw face to face.  I feel like there’s a hole in my life.  Sometimes I feel like someone who has lost a limb and often has phantom feelings and pains in the limb that is no longer there.  I feel that I should be holding a baby or one or two year old.  I should be mothereing this child.  I am choosing to take this energy and mother my two precious boys to the best of my ability.  I am so thankful God allowed me the priveledge of mothereing these two.  I do admit that I often quesiton God.  Not in a manner that is angry at God, but rather I just ask WHY?  Why did God allow this, or want this?  I just don’t understand.  I guess sometimes crappy things just happen because this is a sinful world.  Maybe God was protecting me.  I just wish I knew God’s logic.  The only choice I really have is to TRUST that He knows better than I do.  That even when I don’t understand, He wants what is perfect and best for me.  Jeremiah 29:11.

Sometimes I also wonder, does anyone else feel this way?  I know many others who have had miscarriages and they’ve just moved on and don’t seem to feel the loss at all anymore.  Why am I so overly emotional??